Growing Free

Little wild one remind me

how to run again barefoot

through the pathless woods.

Show me where the fairies

hide messages in curledup maple leaves.

Show me treasures

rocks and feathers,

frogs that beckon us

forward, forward through the

curling grapevine.

Lead me under a moon

that is as full asour pockets

past chickory and mushroom rings

down, down to the river

where I can see myself

as if for the first time

peering back at me.

~ Nicolette Sowder ~

I have always been a dreamer. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t looking forward to the next chapter, the next season of life, the place where the grass was greener. I live in my head; it’s super loud up here. I would lie in bed and research veterinary programs where I could study for my dream job. I would investigate life as a vet and imagine myself in untamed lands, living amongst indigenous tribes and working with wild animals. I thought I had it all figured out. Surprise, surprise. I didn’t.

I was incredibly shy and self-conscious growing up. I don’t remember a time when I looked in the mirror or at pictures and liked what I saw. As a toddler, I’d hide under my mom’s skirt to avoid having to talk to people. As I got older, I would miss out on experiences because I was concerned about my appearance and didn’t want to embarrass myself. I thought that when I grew up I would have it all figured out and finally feel comfortable in my own skin.

I settled into my role as the funny friend. I was good at it too; it became somewhat of a crutch. “They can’t mock me if I mock myself.” The strange thing is, I was never bullied. I always had friends, a healthy home life with parents who loved each other, and siblings who seemed to have all the confidence in the world. The restraints and fears that I carried were completely self-imposed, fabricated in the prison of my mind.

School me was fun-loving, seemingly carefree, and always on, while at home I was anxious, emotional, uptight, and escapist. I longed to live a life of grand adventure, of great meaning, among animals and nature.

The first time I truly felt seen and understood was by a little Appaloosa horse that went by the name Stoney. I will write a piece solely on her, but even now, four years after she passed, tears fill my eyes as I think about her. She was my best friend and confidant. The first one who made me feel like I was truly myself. Long before we were horse and rider, we were friends. It was because of her that I reckoned I would be happy living a life free of humans (spare my family), spending my days in the company of animals. The family farm served as an escape, a place where I was free of expectation and could just be. For that, I will forever be grateful.

I grew a bit more into my own towards the end of high school. I learned to push aside my social anxiety when I realized it was a necessary life skill. Orals, still daunting, became less scary, and I became able to ask questions in class. However, in Grade 11, school started to seem like a prison I would never escape. The prospect of facing another year and a half was almost too much to bear… dramatic, I know. I just couldn’t wait to start university and, by extension, my life (as I saw it).

And of course… university came, and it wasn’t all I had built it up to be. I was not studying what I wanted, and with every rejection from veterinary school, my hopes of ever living out my dream dwindled. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my time in Pretoria. It had some of the best and most challenging times of my life. I joined a wonderful church and was baptized; I made lifelong friends and countless memories. I just couldn’t shake the sense of claustrophobia that came with living in the city, along with the once-certain plans for my life unraveling before my eyes.

I have always been a great planner. However, I’m pretty lousy at executing those plans once the initial excitement wears off. Put simply, I like starting things, but I really need to work on the follow-through. I drive my friends crazy with the pile of partly read books beside my bed that I jump between because one got boring, so I pivoted.

All this to say, I had some work to do on myself. I mean, I don’t think we are ever done, but we can only do our best to be the kindest, most authentic version of ourselves. My self-confidence improved dramatically as my relationship with God grew. Seeing myself through a lens of grace instead of imperfections, as well as finding my identity in Him, was a game changer.

We speak about being a born-again Christian. I understand this well. I grew up in a Christian home, but it wasn’t until 2018 that I truly gave my heart to the Lord. Since then, He has pruned and chipped away at the things that were holding me back from stepping into my purpose. This process, although often confronting and painful, is necessary.

The funny thing is, it is as if God is giving me a second chance at my childhood. Not that my childhood wasn’t great, but as mentioned before, I carried a lot of fear and often failed to live in the moment. I think I play more now than ever. I climb trees, dance, sing my heart out, splash through puddles, ride horses bareback, paddle, scale big rocks, swim in the ocean, and tube down raging rivers. The best thing is that because I am an adult, I get to do all the cool kid things, but drive myself there and not have to be home before dark (I’m sure I have given my poor mother a few grey hairs over the years). I no longer live with the fear of what others may think. I know what I love and what brings me joy, and I have found people who align with that.

Luke 18:16

“But Jesus called the children to him and said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.’”

I have also come to the realization that we were designed to live in community. As much as I still love my solo adventures, they do not compare to the ones where I had my people along for the ride. My circle is not wide, but it is deep. I have friends from all walks of life and with a wide variety of passions. We celebrate our differences and support each other in them. We laugh loud, dream big, and love deep. There is no competition; we know there is room for everyone at the top. I thought my adult friendships would be far more serious than they are. We are more like a circus than a book club (a circus with wine, that is). Our friendships have stood the test of time, unwavering through the good times as well as the bad.

As I have matured, my life has become more and more driven by curiosity, like that of a child peering into a rock pool. I notice the small things: a bird chirping, the sound of a river. Questions such as, “I wonder what it would be like to fly?” end with me getting my paragliding licence (another example of kid thoughts with grown-up freedom). I find deep joy in a cup of coffee, and experience is my favourite currency (often to a fault… working on it).

Hiking has been a huge part of my journey. It has unlocked the explorer in me, and I will never look back. The mountains are where I feel closest to God. I love the way they challenge me, and it is there that I am confronted with the essential parts of life. It has also taught me that although revelation can be found on the mountain, the work is done in the valley (I have a tendency to live from mountaintop to mountaintop).

As I have discovered more about my design, I have been able to walk more fully into my purpose by unlocking and nurturing my gifts and passions. Looking back, I am grateful that I never became a vet. Instead, I am working on the very farm that saved my life, living in the house of my dreams, spending my free time in nature doing my many hobbies, with my favourite people. Not too bad, if I do say so myself.

I prioritize play while still working hard, reminding myself that the world wants to keep us focused on what we don’t have, leaving us striving, in pursuit of happiness but never satisfied. I have learned to cease striving, knowing that every day is a gift that should be treasured for what it is. God never promised us a life free from troubles, but rather peace within trouble.

I still have a lot of work to do (just ask the people who know me best). I am deeply flawed and have certainly overcorrected in some areas. This was a very selfish post (just look at the number of I’s and me’s!), but my hope is that it will encourage others not to look at my journey, but at their own. To see how far they have come and thank God for His perfect grace toward us, His very broken, imperfect children.

I pray that you, too, will rediscover what it is to run barefoot in the mud, climb a tree and feel truly free. That you too, will regain your childlike wonder.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but that won’t stop me from dreaming. But this I do know: God’s got me, His plans are good, and He will be with me as I continue to remain in Him, and to grow free.

Psalm 27:13–14

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heartand

wait for the LORD.